Happy Anniversary

So today is my 13th Anniversary. It's hard to believe that 13 years ago I was standing in my parents yard under the arbor that my Dad made just for my special day. I was marrying my best friend, the one that was supposed to cherish me and love me forever. The one who promised to love me, forsaking all others. I pledged my life to him with the words that I had written straight from my heart. In fact, I wrote the whole ceremony, tailoring it specifically to us and the life that we were supposed to be building together.

We were so young. I didn't realize at the time that things weren't exactly as they seemed. I guess maybe I did, but naively I thought that I could change him. I was supposed to be the "special one". The one that he had never gotten over, the one that had gotten away, the one that he could finally be happy with. Boy, the lies that we tell ourselves when we are young!

 

Over the last 13 years, I have come to realize that we are not the keepers of other people's souls. We cannot make the important choices for them or compel them to do the right thing. We certainly cannot make them love us. It took a lot of growing up and soul searching, but I don't think I could have done anything more than I did. You just can't change human nature. You cant make someone be someone that they are not, and you certainly can't force them to stay where they don't want to be. It is a losing battle for all involved.

All of that being said, I don't regret that day 13 years ago. We had a good run. We created three beautiful children that definitely got the best of both of us. I see him in them every single day and honestly, I wouldn't change that. They were meant to be the people that they are becoming, and we were meant to be their parents.Without that day under the roses, I wouldn't be a Mom and I also wouldn't be the strong, capable woman that I am today.

I can't quite thank him just yet because the hurt and the pain are still too fresh, but I won't regret the time that we shared. I have found forgiveness and through that am finding grace. Even if it didn't last and we are moving into the final stages of our divorce, he will always be a part of my past. He gave me three amazing blessings and for that I am grateful. As much as I am ready for the next chapter, I still feel a little sad tonight about closing the book. Only natural, I guess.

So, Happy Anniversary to me. Hopefully the very last one of it's kind.
KT

Rough Day

I am emotionally exhausted. Today was so hard. I went to the memorial service of a dear friend's wife. I didn't know Kandy well but Ben is a former boss and a mentor. He was like family and I knew that today would be rough but I don't think I realized how rough. 

First of all, I don't generally do funerals. I just don't like them. I have gone to only a handful in my life and most were family. I don't want one for myself either. When I go, I just want a simple pine box and a hole in the ground. I don't want the flowers and fanfare and hooplah. Not that there is anything at all wrong with that but it's just not me. I understand the need to celebrate a person's life and completely respect that but it's not my preference. 

Today's service was a memorial service and it was beautiful. Kandy was loved and admired by so many. It was so hard to look at the pictures of her and Ben and the family and to imagine what they are going through right now. All three sons and Ben spoke and it just tore my heart out. I honestly don't know how they did it but what a testament to how much she was loved. She had just become a Grandma five weeks ago and I know that meant the world to her even though she didn't get to really enjoy it very long. 

Everyone who spoke talked about her love and compassion and her faith. She knew that God had a plan for her and she trusted that plan. She is no longer suffering and no longer in pain. Her faith and trust in The Lord shine to all as a great example of what it means to believe with your whole heart and to have a relationship with the Father. I know that Ben and family find comfort in the fact that they will be reunited one day on the Streets of Gold. 

I am so amazed with how they are coping. I don't know that I would be able to do that. I certainly wouldn't be able to speak. I am praying hard for comfort and a measure of peace for all of them tonight. 

Kiss your loved ones and take advantage of the time you have been given because tomorrow isn't promised. Make sure that they know today how much they mean to you and don't leave things unsaid. 

KT

C'est La Vie

Wow, so obviously my vow to post more often seemingly went by the wayside. It is hard to believe that it has been almost 10 months since I posted last. So many things have changed and yet still so far away from the ultimate goal. One day at a time...

To begin with, we did move out of the trailer finally. We got the house right across the street from Mom and Dad and it has been a Godsend. No more daycare. The kids can play in the yard, ride bikes, have friends. Mom and Dad are always there when I need a hand. I don't know what I would have done without them through all of this. They have truly been one of our biggest blessings. I couldn't manage otherwise.

Still circling the skies in the "SC Holding Pattern". Who knows when that will ever be resolved. We hit the one year mark back in August and are still no closer to being final. I was hoping that it would be over this year so we could all have a fresh start in 2014 but that isn't going to happen. I was pretty depressed about it for awhile but I have decided that what will be, will be. No use worrying over it because I can't change it. Our 13 year anniversary is next week. Man, seems like a lifetime ago. I can't regret it though because I have my kids and I wouldn't change that for the world.

The kids are all doing well. The two little ones had to change schools and leave all their friends which was really hard. They seem to be adjusting well though so that is good. Peyton is in second grade now and Brayden is in fourth. Skylar is in seventh and man, I don't know what to do with her sometimes. The preteen, hormonal girl angst is in full effect. She has made a new bff though which is great because I have worried about her not having any friends. Allie is the daughter of one of my old friends from high school and a really sweet girl. They are like two peas in a pod and they remind me a lot of me and Laura. I only hope that their friendship will last as long and be as strong as ours has been.

As for me, I have kind of been in a holding pattern myself. I lost 20 pounds at the end of last year and then I don't know what happened. I just gave up. I didn't gain it all back (only 5lbs) but I also haven't lost any more and I stopped doing things. I stopped dressing for me, I started eating everything and was really unhappy with myself. After an interesting weekend this past weekend, I made a few promises to myself. I was going to start working out again and eating better. (I AM going to lose that last 40 pounds!) I vowed to be more conscious of my appearance and not walk out of the house feeling less than the beautiful woman that I am. I have done pretty well so far. I am on Day 2 of my new workouts. (Jillian Michaels is a witch with a capital B, BTW!) And I have made a conscious effort when picking out my clothes to be more upbeat and stylish. I even bought some new makeup and hair products...

 

So, anyway, that is life as we know it today. A friend of mine asked me today about my blog and I figured it was about time to get back to it. Apparently, I am an inspiration to some people...who knew? lol I was quite flattered and really am going to try to get on here more often and update on my/our progress. I will share my weight loss struggle, the realities of raising kids, how I maintain my faith and hopefully in the near future some funny experiences from the crazy world of dating...that is if I ever have one! :-( Life as a Golden Girl is seriously looking better and better. I can't decide if I want to be Blanche or Sophia. What do you think???

KT