Sunday, October 13, 2013

Happy Anniversary

So today is my 13th Anniversary. It's hard to believe that 13 years ago I was standing in my parents yard under the arbor that my Dad made just for my special day. I was marrying my best friend, the one that was supposed to cherish me and love me forever. The one who promised to love me, forsaking all others. I pledged my life to him with the words that I had written straight from my heart. In fact, I wrote the whole ceremony, tailoring it specifically to us and the life that we were supposed to be building together.

We were so young. I didn't realize at the time that things weren't exactly as they seemed. I guess maybe I did, but naively I thought that I could change him. I was supposed to be the "special one". The one that he had never gotten over, the one that had gotten away, the one that he could finally be happy with. Boy, the lies that we tell ourselves when we are young!
Over the last 13 years, I have come to realize that we are not the keepers of other people's souls. We cannot make the important choices for them or compel them to do the right thing. We certainly cannot make them love us. It took a lot of growing up and soul searching, but I don't think I could have done anything more than I did. You just can't change human nature. You cant make someone be someone that they are not, and you certainly can't force them to stay where they don't want to be. It is a losing battle for all involved.

All of that being said, I don't regret that day 13 years ago. We had a good run. We created three beautiful children that definitely got the best of both of us. I see him in them every single day and honestly, I wouldn't change that. They were meant to be the people that they are becoming, and we were meant to be their parents.Without that day under the roses, I wouldn't be a Mom and I also wouldn't be the strong, capable woman that I am today.

I can't quite thank him just yet because the hurt and the pain are still too fresh, but I won't regret the time that we shared. I have found forgiveness and through that am finding grace. Even if it didn't last and we are moving into the final stages of our divorce, he will always be a part of my past. He gave me three amazing blessings and for that I am grateful. As much as I am ready for the next chapter, I still feel a little sad tonight about closing the book. Only natural, I guess.

So, Happy Anniversary to me. Hopefully the very last one of it's kind.